Thursday, January 28, 2010

My Babies

You all are so sweet to leave such nice comments on my Wordless Wednesday post yesterday :) But alas, I cannot take credit for the beautiful baby. She does not belong to me. Instead, she belongs to a friend and fellow blog reader of mine who graciously let me come over yesterday to practice on her kids. I had so much fun :) I hope the kids did, too! Eventually I'll get more pictures up on my other photography blog, but right now the priority is to get the pictures to the mom first!

I love holding babies. Just absolutely love it. It makes my heart full of joy to even see another mom holding their precious child.

Its absolutely no secret that I have Baby Fever bad. A very very strong case of it. For a while there when Jayce was 18 months old, I thought I had been cured of it. But even then, in the way back of my mind, I thought, "Okay, so I am definitely not ready to add another child to our family when it takes every ounce of energy and patience to deal with *this* one, but I'm not letting go of the thought that we may have more one day in the future."

My husband, however, had different ideals. He never wanted any kids in the first place. No, really. Its kinda funny :) I grew up wanting 7 kids. (I thought 7 was a great number, and it was only 2 more kids than my family had. What's 2 more?) I graduated from High School and went to college, very unsure about what career I would be best suited for. All while not really caring, because all I really wanted to do was be a Stay-at-home-mom. The job/career thing was just to help me bide my time until I got to my dream.

I attended a Women's college here in the South. They are a dying breed, unfortunately. I have the highest respect for the educations that are offered to women at these Universities, though. I really feel like I received an excellent education in that environment. While friends at other colleges were meeting guys left and right and getting engaged while still in school, I did not regret my decision to be around majority females. My favorite classes in college? Child Developmental Psychology. Child Abuse and Neglect. Early Intervention in Autism. Art for the Child. See a trend?

So although my not-planned-at-all pregnancy with a guy I barely knew (but knew enough to find out that he didn't see kids in his future) certainly did put my life in a tailspin. For about a minute. After we had worked out the details (yes, we loved each other, yes we were going to try to make this work, yes we'd move in together, no I wouldn't go back to my summer job at a restaurant after the baby was born, etc) I felt at peace. I was going to be a Mommy.

And so she came. Sweet. Beautiful. Perfect.





I quickly adjusted to life with my new family. And I loved every moment of it, even the not-so-perfect ones where Brian and I struggled to become not only a couple, but parents.

I never thought for a moment that Jaina would be my only child.

As soon as she turned 1 I was ready to have another baby. Brian, not so much.

It took a year of convincing him that it would be fine. Even then, he was never excited about having another baby.

But boy did he love his son when he was born :)




Now, when Jayce turned 1, I have to admit that I didn't immediately feel a pull to add to our family. "Maybe one day" was my thought. When Brian suggested a 5 year birth control method instead of a permanent method (which is what he preferred), I agreed that 5 years would be a great time to re-evaluate our family.

I love both my children SO much, there isn't really any words I can use to describe how much. But I feel like our family isn't complete. That there is another person missing. I've felt this way for the past 2 years, even knowing that there is a 10% chance that we will have another child with autism (a typical family has a 1% chance, so our odds are 10 times greater). To me it doesn't matter. I feel like every pregnancy is a gamble. We may have a child with a heart defect, or club feet, or hearing loss. We may have a child with dyslexia, or Tourette's syndrome, or Central Auditory Processing Disorder. You never know what you are going to get. It does not make your love for your child any less.

So, babies and children weigh heavily on my mind every single day. Will we add to our family? I certainly hope so. But I want my husband to want to as well. Its not just my child, it ours, together. And Brian does not feel the same pull I do.

I know many mothers are in the same boat as me. This is a topic that has been hashed and rehashed on almost every single parenting internet board I belong to. And things generally have a way of working out to both parent's satisfaction :)

But for now, I'll just be happy with holding my friend's brand new addition :)

14 comments:

  1. It will all work out the way it is supposed to be. I did not get the pull to have another child until my first one was 10 years old. Then I had two 18 months apart. I have never regretted my decision. My friends all teased me that I had two babies and a babysitter.

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  2. I feel for you right now as I am in your place when your daughter was one. I am ready to add to our family...Dad, well not so much yet. We are also at that same point you are at with the chance of having another kid with a disability/disease or any complication really. R. has CF and on paper it is a 25% chance for any of our children. In real life, we are not sure about what to do. IVF, chance it......We will see. For now, I too am getting my satisfaction from holding friends babies. I'm sure it will work out for both of us! Someday!

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  3. What's one more, right? I think they say the transition from 2-3 is much easier than 1-2. Or maybe that's the other way around??? Maybe Brian won't even notice if you sneak one in, lol.

    Good luck trying to convince him!

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  4. What a journey you have gone on. I hope you get your wish of one more child very soon. good thing for friends with new babies, eh?

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  5. THanks for writing this, because I feel the yearning and pulling in my heart everyday for another baby. I dream of it and my clock is just about tocked out. Jeremy didn't want kids either until I threatened to leave him and find someone else that did (I did that in '99) and rattled his cage. Then I was pregnant at the end of 2000. We planned Justin, very eagerly and patiently. Now, will there be an addition, at our age? I hope so, by some miracle. Spring is always a good time, love is in the air. There is so much to consider and you are so right, it has to be there for both partners and at least your married *LOL*. I don't feel old and I am in good shape, better than I was 5 years or so ago. It's in a higher powers hands right now. A little girl would be ideal for me. But then I think of Emma Yikes !!!!!!

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  6. I am going through this to a degree myself. My husband is all for another, or not. He is basically leaving it up to me. I felt for sure that Colton was missing. But I don't have that same "for sure" feeling now. I think I am going to do a post about it too soon, so I won't chew up all your space here ranting about it. I hope you both come to a decision soon ;)

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  7. You make beautiful babies... tell your hubby you owe it to the world to create more beauty in it! :o)

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  8. Thanks for sharing Jessie. Funny, thing... Matthew is really liking the idea of having another baby. But I'd say I'm feeling good now that Braewyn is now also potty-trained and sleeping through the night and not sure if I really want to start over. There is a twinge (sp?) in my heart to feel a baby moving in my body again but I'm scared about all the other side effects which got much worse during my second pregnancy. After seeing "The Blind Side" I'm actually much more excited about the thought of adopting than another birth child. We'll see where God leads our family. It'll be exciting.

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  9. Sweet Jessie, what a beautiful post. So true that you take what you get and you love them regardless. You have the luckiest kids in the world, do you know that?

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  10. You aren't the only one, that's for sure. And even Ben - who wanted kids in the first place - had to be convinced every time (except Olivia who was a honeymoon surprise). I think it's something to do with the y chromosome and feeling responsibility to take care of his family. So never fear, it will all work out as it is supposed to!

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  11. Hmmm, its snowing by you right now??? I think we live closer than we realize ;)

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  12. As so many of your readers have said, I am in the position you were after Jaina-- we have our daughter, I am ready for another, DH isn't sure he wants to have any more children. He loves our daughter so much, he doubts his ability to love another child as much. I know that is silly, but he can't be convinced. Maybe I should send him over to read your post!

    ~Elizabeth
    Confessions From A Working Mom

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  13. loved this! i knew you always wanted to be a mom, i mean we did practice being good mama's to our dolls from the time you were 2 or so :) but i never knew "your story" and you wrote it beautifully!
    josh and i said we'd have 6. but at 4 my cup is full and my yearnings are gone. i still love to hold babies and am glad i have lots of friends still having them :) you are a good mama and i hope in time you get the chance to have more babies :)

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  14. When I was a kid I read that the world record for childbirth was 68 kids (some woman in some very poor country who had a lot of multiples), and I decided I wanted to beat teh record and have 69. I touted that number off for years!

    I still think I would like 6 or 7 (not all natural, I am very open to adopting some too) spread out over many years... I think I would like to be a foster parent when my kids are all grown too.

    Yep, I want a life filled with kiddos, so I hear what you are saying about wanting another. I would be like you and not let the fear of autism worry me either. Every child is a blessing: no matter what!

    Here's to working on convincing your hubby! :)

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Thanks for commenting!