I love holding babies. Just absolutely love it. It makes my heart full of joy to even see another mom holding their precious child.
Its absolutely no secret that I have Baby Fever bad. A very very strong case of it. For a while there when Jayce was 18 months old, I thought I had been cured of it. But even then, in the way back of my mind, I thought, "Okay, so I am definitely not ready to add another child to our family when it takes every ounce of energy and patience to deal with *this* one, but I'm not letting go of the thought that we may have more one day in the future."
My husband, however, had different ideals. He never wanted any kids in the first place. No, really. Its kinda funny :) I grew up wanting 7 kids. (I thought 7 was a great number, and it was only 2 more kids than my family had. What's 2 more?) I graduated from High School and went to college, very unsure about what career I would be best suited for. All while not really caring, because all I really wanted to do was be a Stay-at-home-mom. The job/career thing was just to help me bide my time until I got to my dream.
I attended a Women's college here in the South. They are a dying breed, unfortunately. I have the highest respect for the educations that are offered to women at these Universities, though. I really feel like I received an excellent education in that environment. While friends at other colleges were meeting guys left and right and getting engaged while still in school, I did not regret my decision to be around majority females. My favorite classes in college? Child Developmental Psychology. Child Abuse and Neglect. Early Intervention in Autism. Art for the Child. See a trend?
So although my not-planned-at-all pregnancy with a guy I barely knew (but knew enough to find out that he didn't see kids in his future) certainly did put my life in a tailspin. For about a minute. After we had worked out the details (yes, we loved each other, yes we were going to try to make this work, yes we'd move in together, no I wouldn't go back to my summer job at a restaurant after the baby was born, etc) I felt at peace. I was going to be a Mommy.
And so she came. Sweet. Beautiful. Perfect.
I quickly adjusted to life with my new family. And I loved every moment of it, even the not-so-perfect ones where Brian and I struggled to become not only a couple, but parents.
I never thought for a moment that Jaina would be my only child.
As soon as she turned 1 I was ready to have another baby. Brian, not so much.
It took a year of convincing him that it would be fine. Even then, he was never excited about having another baby.
But boy did he love his son when he was born :)
Now, when Jayce turned 1, I have to admit that I didn't immediately feel a pull to add to our family. "Maybe one day" was my thought. When Brian suggested a 5 year birth control method instead of a permanent method (which is what he preferred), I agreed that 5 years would be a great time to re-evaluate our family.
I love both my children SO much, there isn't really any words I can use to describe how much. But I feel like our family isn't complete. That there is another person missing. I've felt this way for the past 2 years, even knowing that there is a 10% chance that we will have another child with autism (a typical family has a 1% chance, so our odds are 10 times greater). To me it doesn't matter. I feel like every pregnancy is a gamble. We may have a child with a heart defect, or club feet, or hearing loss. We may have a child with dyslexia, or Tourette's syndrome, or Central Auditory Processing Disorder. You never know what you are going to get. It does not make your love for your child any less.
So, babies and children weigh heavily on my mind every single day. Will we add to our family? I certainly hope so. But I want my husband to want to as well. Its not just my child, it ours, together. And Brian does not feel the same pull I do.
I know many mothers are in the same boat as me. This is a topic that has been hashed and rehashed on almost every single parenting internet board I belong to. And things generally have a way of working out to both parent's satisfaction :)
But for now, I'll just be happy with holding my friend's brand new addition :)