Thursday, April 07, 2011

I won't worry my life away

'Cause Jason Mraz told me not to. :)

I love to find comfort in song lyrics. I was having a particularly emotional day yesterday and decided to end it with a relaxing hot bubble bath. I stuck in a mixed MP3 cd that Brian made me a few years ago and tried to forget all my worries while I relaxed with the music.

"I need a sign, to let me know you're here..." was the first line that came out through the speakers. And boy, did I need a sign. Any sign, to let me know that things were going to be okay.

The next song was Jewel's Intuition. Funny, my internet friends had just asked me what my intuition was telling me about my situation. Unfortunately, I do not have a good gut feeling about things this month. Is it pessimism or is it really intuition?

Then the first song I've ever heard by Mr. A to Z, Remedy, reminded me that I just won't worry my life away. Worrying doesn't change anything. What's going to happen will happen. Its such a wasted emotion that can overshadow your daily life.

"I won't worry my life away" has been my mantra for today.

I'm on CD 28, 11 DPO, my temps are all over the place, and I'm spotting. People say that the two week wait is hell, but for me, its really only the last week of my cycle that ties me up in knots. Ever since we've been trying to conceive, I've been 99% sure I'm ovulating each and every month. Typically on CD 16, too :) The first 7-8 days past ovulation look great! Beautifully high temperatures that don't seem to ever want to come down.

But it never fails. I get a drop on day 8 or 9 every time. Then the spotting starts. Then two days later, we're back to CD 1, with a luteal phase of 10 days or so.

I'm taking vitamin b6 and vitamin A supplements. I'm taking folic acid. I'm using 20 mgs of natural progesterone cream twice daily.

Yet I'm still not pregnant. Well, maybe I am this cycle. Maybe I can talk myself into thinking that the spotting was really implantation spotting? Maybe I'll be like those women who have bleeding during their first trimester and they don't even know they're pregnant :)

I know, I know.... I should just test. And maybe 6 months ago I would have tested by now.

But that was before knowing what 12 negative pregnancy tests looked like. And the feelings that go with it.

I just can't stand to look at another one. I will lose it.

So, I'm just going to go about my day tomorrow like normal. I'll try not to worry every time I take a trip to the bathroom. I won't obsess over whether should I test or not. I'm just not going to worry my life away. I'll know for sure in a couple of days whether or not we'll have to start trying all over again.

And somehow, I'll get through this :)

9 comments:

  1. So sorry to hear about your emotional day. Hang in there!

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  2. I completely understand your frustration with your cycles. I was so hoping you'd be pregnant soon after starting on the TTC wagon again. I hate to see anyone suffer through negative tests, it is such a cruel thing to see.

    Hoping that this cycle is the one, but if it's not then hopefully very soon! I have lots of super hero onesies to send you :)

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  3. Okay, you've probably already covered this or been asked but have you had your thyroid checked? Hypothyroidism can cause fertility problems and even early miscarriages. If you do have a thyroid problem it's as easy as taking a pill a day to regulate your levels. Praying that things go well for you and that this cycle or the next one is THE one!

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  4. So sorry! I didn't know you were going through this -- hang in there!

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  5. I'm right there with you. This last month, I finally ordered PreSeed lube from drugstore.com. I haven't tried it yet, but online folks swear by it. I'll let you know if it works or not.

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  6. Sadly I know that feeling too well... and plain and simple, it just sucks!!! I don't have any advice, just a "hang in there" and a big cyber hug!

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  7. {{Hugs}}, Jess. Hang in there.

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  8. TTC to such a messed up process sometimes. It jerks around your emotions, your body, your damn sanity every month when you get a negative on the test. By the time we finally got pregnant with Alden, I had just stopped buying tests, stopped even tracking my cycle, and started to wonder if we would just have to be content with 1 kid. We hadn't even tried or talked about any kind of fertility treatment- I just gave up in my mind. Why does having a baby have to be such work sometimes? You know I am keeping you in my thoughts and keeping my fingers crossed for you every month.

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